Satisfaction has always eluded me. My personality is naturally bent against it. The summary of my personality profile is "quality control." Not exactly the person you expect to emit warm fuzzy rays of relaxation. And I never really have.
Living in this realm of improvement mode I have often prayed and longed for the feeling, the deep abiding sense, of satisfaction. My eyes naturally find the things that need to be done or the things that didn't get done quite well enough. Always plagued by perfectionism.
But at last, for the first time in my life, I feel myself falling back into the arms of simplicity. A culmination of events beckoning me to savour the essence of life.
These events are not wrapped in relaxation. They are really just the opposite. So much so that surrender to simplicity is my only path to peace.
In just a few years my life evolved from the total self indulgence of childless womanhood to reckless abandon to the needs of a complete family. Nia, now 3 and Ian, 6 who came into our lives 2 years ago through adoption.
In the loss of self indulgence the simplicity of satisfaction gently seeped in. I found the glorious end of myself. The dawn of being poured out has emerged.
Not without a fight. The dreams that accompany independence die hard. Accomplishments that gain recognition give way to accomplishments that no one sees but my God. Somewhere in the journey of servanthood my satisfaction emerged. A supernatural blessing given when we surrender to the needs of others.
"Greater love has no one than this, that he lay his life down for his friends(1)." Love. Simple and satisfying. Not found in perfection but found in surrender to the greater good.
My friend, if you have lost satisfaction look to Love. Surrender to it. Determine to let go of all that perishes. The crowns that we earn will be directly related to the pursuit of it.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers(2)."
(1) John 15:13
(2) 1 John 3:16
Monday, October 26, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Ultimate Mom Speech
So my six year old, "Ian" (blog name only) comes home from school today with an attitude that makes you think maybe there is something to this whole home school thing. From the get go I could tell he was going to play the "who's in control card." I spent a good part of the day painting his bathroom and when I asked him about it when he got home he acted like he couldn't tell what the difference was (he is very perceptive and there was no question the he was being aloof). Even "Nia" (blog name), my three year old was like, "you are not being very nice to mommy." So then after several other attempts to crawl under my skin he asks for a snack. Dinner was cooking so I cut up an apple for him. He goes and sits down at the table and I said, "OK bud, apples ready." He says, "well why don't you bring it to me (with an air of sarcasm)." Final straw. I say, "why don't you go to my room and wait for me and think about how you are supposed to speak to me."
So after a good 20 minutes or so I venture into my room having formulated the mommy speech of the decade in my head while stewing vegetables.
"So tell me why you are in here," I ask. He fumbles around for something to say and comes up with something decent. "OK, here's the thing bud- you will give me your full respect. Not only do I deserve it, but I have earned it. I am not your friend, I am your mother (with him I have to draw this distinction). You will not talk to me, even in a joking manner, as anything less. Son do you understand what humility is?" He gives me a great answer, something like "treating you like the mother, being kind, like the Lord is humble (he really is a great kid)." "Yes, that is exactly what humility is. Let me explain how I show humility to you. Can you guess how much money my education cost, as in college and graduate school?" "A hundred dollars, he asks?" "More," I say. After a few more child-like attempts to guess I say, "try tens of thousands. Do you think that with that much education I might be able to do something besides clean the house and cook meals for you? Do you think that maybe I could find a job that would actually pay me lots of money to work so hard?" "Yes," he says shyly beginning to gather where I am going with this. "Yes son, I could find a job and I could be paying someone else to take care of you and Nia while I work. Would you like that?" "No," he says. "Son, I love taking care of you. Staying home is a sacrifice I am thankful to make. However, the next time you consider speaking to me like I am your personal servant you need to remember that there are other things I could be doing but I choose to take care of you instead. I have earned your respect."
What I didn't say was that I had to text my husband to tell him not to spend any money out of checking because we only have $20 in the bank. It is a sacrifice. I have earned his respect. It is an investment I have never questioned. It is where I am using my education. And it is worth every penny.
So after a good 20 minutes or so I venture into my room having formulated the mommy speech of the decade in my head while stewing vegetables.
"So tell me why you are in here," I ask. He fumbles around for something to say and comes up with something decent. "OK, here's the thing bud- you will give me your full respect. Not only do I deserve it, but I have earned it. I am not your friend, I am your mother (with him I have to draw this distinction). You will not talk to me, even in a joking manner, as anything less. Son do you understand what humility is?" He gives me a great answer, something like "treating you like the mother, being kind, like the Lord is humble (he really is a great kid)." "Yes, that is exactly what humility is. Let me explain how I show humility to you. Can you guess how much money my education cost, as in college and graduate school?" "A hundred dollars, he asks?" "More," I say. After a few more child-like attempts to guess I say, "try tens of thousands. Do you think that with that much education I might be able to do something besides clean the house and cook meals for you? Do you think that maybe I could find a job that would actually pay me lots of money to work so hard?" "Yes," he says shyly beginning to gather where I am going with this. "Yes son, I could find a job and I could be paying someone else to take care of you and Nia while I work. Would you like that?" "No," he says. "Son, I love taking care of you. Staying home is a sacrifice I am thankful to make. However, the next time you consider speaking to me like I am your personal servant you need to remember that there are other things I could be doing but I choose to take care of you instead. I have earned your respect."
What I didn't say was that I had to text my husband to tell him not to spend any money out of checking because we only have $20 in the bank. It is a sacrifice. I have earned his respect. It is an investment I have never questioned. It is where I am using my education. And it is worth every penny.
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